embarrassment 102 (not again!)

i have two left feet. seriously, i just can't walk a few steps without toppling over my myself. help me! and i'm not even tall!!! i think i've been tripping and falling down ever since i've learnt to use my two legs. i have scars to prove it. *sigh* what's a girl to do?

another thing, i think i'm a certified embarrassment magnet. everywhere i go, i'll do something embarrassing to myself. it has been happening ever since i was young and guess what? it's still happening.

something really humiliating happened yesterday.

went out for supper with the guys; uh-huh.... it was raining and all when we reached sunrise (where we were supposed to meet the rest), so me and luke followed b-k to his house to get umbrellas. and; oh man... this is maluation. as we were walking out, i slipped on the steps and bamm!! slid down the remaining couple of steps on my posterior. yah, unbelievable? believe it.

major major embarrassment. but thankfully it was only them who saw my umm... downfall. haha. but of course (even if i have to say so), it was hilarious... couldn't help but laugh at my apparent lack of grace whatsoever. funnily enough, the guys didn't think it was too funny; nor did they really give a damn about the fact that it was my single most humiliating moment of the month (why... does it always happen?). i really love those people. all they did was make sure i was alright and left it at that.

well, another embarrassing moment to put up on denise's hall of unforgettable moments. seems like i have a knack for falling down stairs. up to where i can keep count, this has been the 3rd time i took a topple down the stairs. first, slipped and fell down the whole flight of stairs at home

(pathetic); second, missed a step at church and almost sprained my ankle plummeting down (shit happens, shit always happens), and lastly... my graceful landing as mentioned above for everyone to laugh at. i think i'll always be a klutz. what am i to do?

the brat says:

why can't we always get what we want?

why do we have to wait to get what we want?

why is it that whatever i want i never get?

why is what i want usually not good for me?

why can't i get what i want????

never thought i would ever sound like a spoilt brat right?

hahaha.... think again.

now that i've got that out of my system.

i just feel so frustrated you know... yes, there's this thing that i really want but i don't think i'll get it. it's really exausting and defeating wanting something so badly. and yet, you know that's never gonna happen. i'm trying to live with it; everyday i'm reminding and reminding myself to forget about it, move on, concentrate on more important things... but, it's HARD.

now that i've also got them out of my system...

i did something that made me happy the other day. i faced my apprehension, let go of my fears... i, i, i.... can't tell la. it's personal. all i can say was it made me deliriously happy but then made me crash from cloud 9 the next day. and NO, i did not do drugs or hard liquor. please... give me a break!* sigh* not now, i can't talk about it now....

left behind. as always.

my life is like a thread. or many threads in fact. and somewhere along the way, my life has been interwoven with the threads of many others. together, we have created a cloth of many patterns and colours.... some threads remain firmly in this cloth called life and some, gradually faded away in time. when i look at this unfinished cloth, i just want to hold on to the old threads and weave the same patterns as like before. but threads snap and needles prick, and all i can do is weave more of my thread into it and leave it to my Maker.

man, what am i talking about? absolute nonsense.

why is everybody leaving? somehow, people in my life always seem to be leaving me. while they move on to uncharted, new, fresh, exciting territory, i'll still be stuck here. left behind. all the time, i wish it was me who was leaving, not being left. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder... well maybe, but it definately doesn't make u grow any closer. in fact, it draws you apart, gradually of course. but maybe because i was never one to keep contact. oh well. they also say that when a door closes, a new one opens. that's bulls***. i used to have a really, really extremely good friend, the best even... yeah, well, she moved away. i was stuck here and until now, haven't found anyone to replace her. ever.

so you see..."they" whoever they are, shouldn't be writing up sayings and stupid proverbs cos, they know NUTS about it.

so blue

life's not that great nowadays

basically, i'm just studying and panicking,

studying and panicking

and haha, not going to school

i just dunno what to do now

you can't believe how sick i am of this endless studying

i've got so much to do, but so little time

so sickening

dad's got a new clock for the study

it's kinda chinapek-ish, but well... bought from china wut

man, is this clock noisy

chiming and saying something in chinese (which no one understands) every hour.

*sigh* every hour.

i'm feelin so restless.

i really dunno what to do.

i realise that it's the 2nd time i'm saying that

but i really dunno what to do.

what to do?

i feel so pessimistic, demoralised, tired and my head is all just jumbled up

what i want, i can't get

it's frustrating, it's hard and it's tough but i must!

i must give it up, i must forget it and move on.

reach out for better dreams.

better things ahead for me.

embarrasment 101

well, wut can i say? at 3 something this afternoon, denise was found once again, doing it. and no, you pervert, it has ntg to do with reproduction... so please... get that out of your mind tq vry much. so, where was i? o yeah, she was found once again humiliating, embarrasing, making a fool out of herself. yep... another one to add to my top 10 most wish-i could-forget-but-nvr-will moments. *sigh* i think i already have a bucketfull of it... so *plop* another one goes in.

in a nutshell-
while driving (err.. no, practising driving) at the driving sch (oh, btw, i'll be taking my test really, really soon... so, pray i pass), i was getting worser n worser at all the obstacles. my parking was awry... yea, n believe it or not, i managed to knock down a pole while backing out from the parking lot. congratulations right? oh, but not before grazing the car wiv another pole. n imagine, i had to get out of the car TWICE! to shift the pole so i could get out of the stupid spot. thank gdness there were few ppl around n (to be even MORE thankful), my instructor wasn't there. otherwise, he would be shouting to me (he's a nice guy, but ya noe... nice ppl have loud voices too).

oh, but we haven't gotten to the juicy part yet.
u see, when denise gets flustered, she loses concentration; causing her to be almost (hah! i said almost) oblivions to everything but the cause of wtv dat caused it. n of cos i was flustered then. i mean, who wouldn't be after being the only 'lucky' one to knock down a pole n picking it up twice. the 2nd time being to shift it so dat i could get out of my spot the cheating way. anyway, i'll get to the point...
after getting out, i headed to the 3 point turn (no other way out) n when i was turning the steering (it's not auto steering so i can see my arm muscles start to build) suddenly, the car stopped. at 1st, i was like, 'okayy... that always happens. no big. ' but then, a split second after i turned on the engine again, it happened again. n again. n again. i tried reversing, ntg happened. going straight... still the same thing. at that time, my head was pushing all the panic buttons there was, adrenaline; super high (nt for a nice reason though). for almost a lifetime (ok, so i might be exaggerating a alot) i was stuck. stuck in that lil' space jamming up the place, making the other cars in line wait n watch me blunder thru it all. n guess wut? no 1 even came over to help. so there i was... almost weeping with helplessness and frustration, car going back n forth, engine being on(by me) n off (the car). it was scary.

finally.... FINALLY..... some other instructor kindda realised that i was causing a big scene there n yelled the possibilities of the cars strange behaviour. n then, i realised.......... omgosh! stupidly, i didn't release the handbrake after doing the slope thing. that was why i couldn't move at all. argh! jz one of the many things that u could expect me to do. sheesh! my single most embarrasing moment of the yr so far. so, so, sooo humiliating. i must be one of the worst drivers ever.

but oh well... as they say, what that won't kill you will make you stronger. yes? agree? and, everything (gd or bad) is always a life experience for denise. u knoe... 50 yrs from now, i can proudly boast that i managed to be the day's most horrendous driver at the driving sch to my grandkids. i mean, how many ppl can actually say that?

the sequel

i opened this window but was so distracted by the mass instruments of connectivity we haf nowadays. in layman's terms... msn n hp. heheh... look who's da bz gal nowadays....

so, how's life after the BIG disappointment? i haf to say.... now dat 'BAD DAY' is officially over... i'm still thriving. yea, i haf to... wut dat doesn't kill u will make u stronger. no? anywaaaaayyy...

i met my couz.... the 'i've got everything going 4 me n i'm every1's darling' cousin. ok, maybe i'm a lil' jealous, who wouldn't be....? he's studyin in da us... medicine... gud in sports.... quite well off... da rest.... but it's a real sad thing dat he's dad; my uncle... passed away nt too long ago. but, they're surviving.

so, after i think abt 2 yrs of nt seeing each other, we rendezvous at my grans place. yea, supposed to haf dinner wiv them (which was wut the big hoo-ha was abt... hehe). it was kinda awkward at 1st but later... it was ok.. we could talk n stuff. so, it wasn't altogether a bad thing.

yea... i kinda regret my incomprehensible outburst dat day... how selfish of me to put my things 1st b4 my own flesh n blood??? ah, nvm... another lesson in life to learn, eh?

shit happens

some days... things r so bad dat all u wanna do is crawl back to bed n bury urself under the blankets. shutting the world away, hiding from the cold, hard facts. well, dat someday is happenin rite now. bad day. yup. u noe, somehow, it nvr rains but it pours. yea, all the bad things dat cud possibly happen happens. sigh~* jz when u think "ntg else cud make me feel worse" guess wut? something else crops up that make u feel even lower than u already did. life is at best, ironic don'tcha think?

well, here i was... jz minding my own business, lookin forward to da weekends when my mom has 2 drop a bombshell dat i suspect started the whole bad day syndrome. sheesh...
so anyway, during lunch...
mom: so, wut're ur plans for sat? (as if she didn't noe already)
me: i haf prac on sat morn...
mom: we're going bac to ______ cos ur cous is here.
me: (still not getting it) oh, dat's ok, i'll ask pris to fetch me.
mom: (giving me dat wide-eyed incredulous stare look) huh? u mean ur not going? (sarcasm, starting) [i really hate it when she goes all so sarcastic, it's so darn anoying]
me: (it finally sinks in) ohhhh.... *disappointed look* but i can't... i've music prac....
mom: u can tell them u cannot. u can play any other time rite? (yea.... as if it were so easy to find a replacement).
me: umm *mumbling incorrigibly*
-despair-

that was trouble no.1
and lo n behold! along came trouble no.2 >>> finding a replacement. n guess wut? i'm still lookin... n if i don't find one, ppl will say dat i'm irresponsible... unfit to hv dat responsibility, yadda, yadda... cos i've accidentally done it b4. oh crap... ! life really sucks at the moment. someone... anyone... plssssssszz jz replace me on the piano!!! it really makes me look bad cos i've been missing a lot of duty (cos of unforseen circumstances, NOT bcos i want to).

trouble no.3- my line kaput-ed... something went wrong n it was sooo.. frustrating. really felt like crying at dat point.

trouble no.4 meant dat i can't go 4 supper wiv ben n all 2 celebrate his b'day cos i won't be goin 4 yas. aikz... it's a sad, sad world, ain't it?

n today... still lookin 4 a replacement. u noe, dis family dinner had better be worth all the trouble i had to go thru. it had better be gud if it's comparable to all my toil n sweat.

d@** & blast it all

well... u noe... things happen. all ur tryin 2 do is haf a gr8 time n haf ur frens wiv ya n den sum ppl make things misarable 4 u. n... u were jz thinkin of havin clean fun (it's auch a lame word but yeah... i guess dat pretty much describes it) . n den some ppl make u seem as if it's a crime 2 hv ur thing... n make u feel bad abt urself n abt everything else. & i'm vry sure dat' s how low self esteem starts. blast it all n d*** it. ah well... fish it all... i'm still gonna haf fun no matter wut ppl tok abt behind my backs. as long as i noe my principals... nothin's goin 2 be wrong. u wud nvr believe wut can happen ova a small matter (which isn't even bad, mind u) n blow it outta proportions. n no... if ur wonderin... it's nt abt relationship coz at tis point, i'm really quite happily single.

plus, our big debut's comin up. dis sat's da DAY! feelin vry jittery cos i'm supposed 2 lead. *gasp* sunno if i can pull it thru. God help me i will.

it's jz dat... sum ppl....ya noe... well... u noe.

subjected 2 public humiliation

NEWSFLASH!! Gal gets humiliated in public concert. Jz so u noe, i'm 2 perform in a concert organised by da music sch i go 2. dun ask y.... but i'll haf u noe.... it goes down in history as 1 of de most embarassin things i haf ever had 2 do. gosh! n we haf 2 dance a sorta lame dance in between playin. after i jz got ova d mortification of havin 2 dance, here dey go askin us 2 wear tacky lookin masks as a... cheap ploy. lame-O!!!! whoever who planned da program obviously went a lot overboard! n it's jz, LAme... DA WHOLE THING'S A PUBLIC HUMILIATION to me, n if dey wud like 2 noe, every1 too. it's jz too tacky, too kinky. i guess, da best thing's 2 get it ova n done with as quickly as possible. n hope dat i nvr see any1 i noe at da concert. help me get outta dis sum1!!!

on a cheerfuller note (mine, dat is) can't wait 2 see those pfs-ians freshly shaved heads in tuition 2moro n throughout da week. well, well, well.... wun it be a pleasure (n a HUGE source of entertainment) 4 me as well as de others. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!

CNY woes. bleaugh

CNY is comin... u wud think i wud be tremendously excited n yayy-ing away. ok, dat's a silly way 2 start dis. i'll restart.

*ahem* CNY is dis sat. n guess who's very enthusiastic abt it? yea, i noe... weird gal! she's unhappy abt a festival, let alone DE festival. chinese new yr... chinese rite? yeah... my frens cudden understand either. well, 4 those who dun noe... let me clue u in on wut i do on a typical CNY. my grans r well... u noe elders... there's hardly in their tradition (n dat's y it's called a tradition), so, it's really a no -brainer thing 2 recount it. since, i've been doin it since always. wtv.
so... on CNY , we...
1. haf reunion dinner at my grans place (always steamboat wiv crabclaw, vegs n sum otha thingies) de adults will sit at 1 table, n we young ciku's a smaller table.
2. sit thru borin sessions wiv relatives i wudden noe if i passed dem on da street (some of dem). dey alwiz say da same thing... " wah! u've grown so big/ tall/ pretty (it varies) n dis is da most hated part of cny 2 me. de onli consolation is dat we get ang pows. quite a gud 1, considerin da discomfort.
3. eat goodies.. dis is quite a gud part . i like all da food.
4. sleep late. ok, dis is gud too. i alwiz luv my sleep.
5. are expected 2 serve guests n look like we enjoy it. at least i dun.

well, mebbe u dun see y i dun like it so much. but it's jz a habitual, once a yr torture 4 me 2 go thru dis, but persevere... it's onli 4 a few days in a yr. i can do it. i can do it!!

AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dun u ever feel da need 2 scream ur lungs (n heart) out? jz let everything out. all da frustration, da hurt, da anger... everything. dat's jz wut i'm feelin rite now.

costume crisis!

* gag*... my costume 4 da christmas presentation sucks. there's onli ONE word, no, make dat 2 words to describe it... FREAKIN HIDEOUS!!! jz da top, dat is. i jz can't begin describin da ugliness of it. total eyesore, trust me. n, guess wut...? i ain't de onli 1 complaining. haha. it's wayyyy too BIG, too baggy, da colour is sumwut terrible... mine ler, dat is. imagine?? it's a realli disgustin GREEN. n tell u wut, i'm realli nt a fan of green colour ya noe, tho, yes, i'm in Rumah Hijau all. it absolutely reeks of tastelessness (da costume, nt green hs). dis has got 2 be da worst costume eva in da whole history of costumes... nt onli does it nt fit any of us (i honestly think i look like i'm drownin in my clothes in it), it's ugly, ugly,ugly. actualli, da design wud've been ok if it did fit us n wasn't such a shitty colour (mine). but... one jz has 2 grin n bear it, tho how d u do dat wen da whole world is laughin at u? can u? HO HO HO!

stoopid camps.

i feel like a fool now. choices! hah! wut choices do i hv wen i can't even go? yeah, dat's rite! i can't go for traplex cos there's no space left for me. well, if dey wan 2 lose ( haha, perasan case) wif all da jrs... den, wtv. i mean, i jz wanted 2 help wut. but, whu cares! i dun. ok, dat's nt true. i'm disappointed n feelin unwanted rite now. but wtv! YOU chose UR ppl... YOU'LL regret tis!! yea, wen u lose... badly n humiliate our sch. jz so u noe, i dun care anymore... cos i'll be gone by den. da guides' r goin down anyway. they'll nvr, EVER, be as gd as us. u savvy??

on 2nd thoughts... dis might cum across as realli childish n immature but yea, i'm prob childish n immature too.

while we're on da sub of camps (grrr....hate dat word), i betcha nvr knew how hazardous de effects on camps hav towards certain ppl.

a lil' bird told me jz de otha day:
~a certain pl from pfs was so stressed out abt his camp preps ( his members wudden help him) dat he managed to successfully peel his whole toe-nail out! dis guy has MAJOR stress issues man!
~also, sum1 (anotha pl who's also from dat sch) was too overwhelmed by da workload ( or was it frustration?) dat he cried.

now dat's realli wut camp life is all abt. da stress, da agony, da glory. yupez. makes 1 wonder wut profit 1 gets outta all dis.

brothEr's keepEr

my sis is now at a (hmm... how do i put it diplomatically...?) difficult stage. it realli is nt sumthin i wan da whole world 2 noe, well, who wants 2 hang their dirty laundry in public? lately, ok, nt so lately... shez been givin my family, esp my mom a hel lotta trouble. honestly, i jz dun understand y she has 2 go n disobey everythin dey say. shez been hidin lotsa stuff behind our bacs. dey say dat 13 is a difficult age. i mean, there's even a movie callae 'thirteen' which is abt bein 13. duh! maybe it's jz me but i rmb bein a whole lot 'kuai'-er when i was dat age. n , haha... ironically, i'm also da 1 who 'kena tembak' wen she's in trouble. older siblings... u shud noe hw it is. aikz... but wether i like it or nt, i am my brother's (or, in dis case sister's) keeper. >>>> it's a sick, twisted world out dere. of all ppl... y my sis?? or wait, dis is even better... (in a whiny tone) y MEEE????

you, YOU, YOU...... how DARE YOU!!!!

i was waitin da whole day 2 complain abt da blastin i had from da stings teach in sch. but, when i think of it, it was wayyy..milder than wut my fren got from dat $#!!**#!!@~*(^%#$! i'm nt too gd wif comic strip bad words (i dun wanna say dem either). but man! dis lady... i jz can't stand her! jz bcos i cudden play da new song (new song 2 me ler... but nt da rest cos i didn't join last yr), she HAD 2 say (sarcastically, i might add) dat i wasn't playin properly. HELLO!!! lady, tis is da 1st time dat i've ever seen da score, let alone play it. i was tryin my best alrite! how DARE she say dat i wasn't puttin in effort. fish! grrr... i was sooo pissed . am still... a lil'. honestly, shez 1 of da meanest teachers in sch. does she hav 2 be mean n unpleasant all da time 2 us?? n now, wut which makes me angrier is dat my common senses r takin control n i feel dat i'm overdoin it a tad too much n dat i'm jz so childish. i hate dat feelin. not noeing wen i'm right or wrong. mz calm down, mz let it go. forgive.... i can forgive but forgettin is jz so hard 2 do.

frusTraTion!i!i!

can u actually believe dat dere'll be no youth camp?? i repeat: NO YOUTH CAMP. no now, not nxt yr, not ever.can u jz imagine dat?? hOrrOR!!! i'm sorry... but i jz can't accept dat.ever since we had yas (which also means young 'adults' service, but honestly, i think it's overruled by kids barely outta primary sch), we nvr get 2 do anyhtin fun. u noe, get out n abt.... all dat... like how we used 2 durin our isca days. now, it's jz plain *zZZzz*. so, no camp dis yr'll be da icing 2 dis wonderful, uneventful, unexcitin yr of yas. maybe i do sound a lil' too harsh n ungrateful, but... heCk! wudden U want a youth camp dis end o da yr? i'm so desperate dat i might even make my frens go 4 da bb (boys brigade) camp, if any. pris says dat we might, if we did all da plannin n stuff... but... honestly, adults r kinda sceptical abt how we manage our things. in otha words, dey distrust us... sumtimes. but think abt it... who wud volunteer demselves 2 be in charge of all da plannin, rentin of venue, makin sure ev'ry1 pays up, or else.... . i dun think i'll be a suitable candidate cos i haven't been displayin vry 'responsible' behaviour nowadays. haha...

wen all's sed n done... i cudden care less where, wut, who, how... all i want is 2 hang loose wif ma frens, seek God (dat's kinda da main purpose of havin camp u noe..), create everlastin memories n juz [be]...u noe... jz live. live everyday like it's ur last. i dun mean by doin things u can't get away wif like dumb things dat i'll nvr do... but jz livin 2 see tears, smiles, share in greif, joy.... da trustingness of a puppy... rain after a hot day, ppl tellin u dat u actually mean sumthin 2 dem, makin a diff in ppl's lives... now, dat's livin. n i plan 2 live. onli, i'm jz afraid i'll get 2 caught up wif da things o da world 2 spare a thought fer others. i'll try, i'll try.... help me fly.

on 2nd thoughts... y m i actually puttin all dis in? o well...

= lousy yesterday= *moan... mumble, mumble....*

it's me.... again. ntg much 2 report 2day... xept tt today didn't go as badly as i expected. yea, on da contrary, it went better than yesterday. yesterday... saturday... my supposedly fav day... 1 word fer it... it SUCKED! well, i woke up wif a cold... well, i didn't think so at 1st... only after i couldn't stop sneezin my head off 4 lyke, da whole mornin, afternoon, evenin.... did i well, realised. u noe. so i was like " can u ..ah-TCHOO!!...sniffle, sniffle... pls get..oopS...runnin nose...me a *snort* sniffle... tissuee....-aahH-AH CHoo...." da whole day. n i gt scolded by my mom... like BIG time (let's not get into it) . actually, i'm still nt sure abt wut she was mad abt oso. o well...n later, 4 YAS... my parents came 2 pick us (me n sis) late. i mean, i shud be happy, rite.. tis gives me n opportunity 2 mingle around wif ma old frens... but i dunno... sumhow it seems as if we've realli drifted apart. we were like, almost strangers. so weird. it didn't feel gd, didn't rest wif ma soul. n later, watched 'the fast n da furious' wif my dad. it's a cool movie... joe wuddve liked it (or likes it, hez prob watched it 4 like, a hundred times... who noes?), lotsa fast, gorgeous, sleek n hot cars (n 4 ur info, so r da babes/ women/gals/ skanks... wuteva.). absolute drool material... yes, even 4 gals (i meant da cars, in case sickos think otherwise). after tt, like da 'kuai' gal tt i am... OII!! is tt snickerin i hear??.... i went 2 bed.

wutta jam!!! my woes

ish! can't believe this is only the 2nd day of the hols.... i'm already bored n at home alone n feeling so lazy....man! this is bad. had rangers perlantikan in de morning (huh! woke up at 7.05 u noe...) then went 2 286 to 'jam' wif pris, steph n wei khim... watched a movie jz now ( at home, i mean) n now...bored outta my skull.
o yea...abt da so-called jam session... it went bad. the reasons i can think of now are:
1) we were unprepared...
2) we were not made very welcome if i might say so myself... imean, hey! they shud be happy tt we're taking the initiative to come n improve ourselves, k. not making us feel like complete doofus's. yeah, well i'm talkin abt a certain sis.{sg} here.
3) we totally suck ler, as a band. i mean, totally!
4) we spent such a long time jz trying 2 on da main switch n getting everything jz 2 work right. i think tt alone plus attaching all da wires n sounding da (lousy) equipments took us approximately, 45 minutes. amazing! but, u must not overlook da fact tt we are amateurs.

but overall...we did fine. only we need to brush up on our skills like a lot, yeah...n hv sumone they can trust to teach us...like alvin. hope josh is feeling guilty for leaving us here like tt.

sob, sob...exam week....stress level on high....seriously, i hv one LARGE pimple to prove it. it's so gross. right now, i'm supposed to be finding a replacement for yas tomorrow (i was supposed, am supposed actually, to play da kb). No one wants 2 replace me, so i'm left in da blue like tt. the worship leader must think i'm some unreliable brat, which i probably am.