seeing

I close my eyes and I see stars,

deep stars giving way to deeper stars,

deeper stars bowing to deepest stars

at the crown of an infinite cone.

-Annie Dillard, "Seeing"

do we simply look, but not see? that maybe we're part of a bigger plan for our lives. that maybe, just maybe, it's ok if we don't get what we desire so much this time around, just to make way for the chips to fall into place. when i look at the stars... i feel small, i feel awed, and closer to that plan.

and that's why i really love those few lines.

i think i caught the fever

a year ago, i was complaining to my mum about how nz is so rugby obsessed

denise: ugh so not looking forward to the rugby world cup next year. i shall never understand rugby, why can't they like football instead?? it's just so violent!

a lot of touching in rugby

me this year... (after i discovered how amazing rugby really is and how hot some of the all blacks are.)

denise: aurghhhhh what?? you call that playing?! TRY TRY! Cmon ABs!! go Cory Jane you sexy beast!

hmm what can i say? rugby is actually very entertaining to watch, and easy to understand... plus, i'm in new zealand, and this year, we're hosting the RWC, so it's not difficult to get into the whole spirit of things.

and what's better, the All Blacks managed to make their way to the finals, so this sunday is going to be INTENSE. can't wait!

after beating the Wallabies.

that was an especially bloody match, a few people had to go off the pitch to clean up before continuing.

that fear

fear is a very strong feeling.

fear paralyses you, hinders you from looking beyond the problem, and you become like a horse wearing blinkers (you know, those eye patch thingies). i used to wake up every morning and have that numbing gripping fear in me. mostly, the fear of going back home. oh i love my family, and i do look forward to seeing them, and being with them... but at the same time, i was really scared. scared of being lonely like last year, afraid of getting hurt again, apprehensive of what will happen when i get back.

but then

i realised that this stupid fear is really stopping me from looking at the amazing people and things i have back home. and i have so much to look forward to. by focusing on my fear, i was really missing out on a lot of God's blessing in my life. i kept magnifying all my worries til i guess i lost sight of what was really important: that God is in control of my life. not myself, not my friends, and definitely not my fears. i just can't let it dictate my emotions, or actions anymore.

i just... am really tired of being afraid.

early this year, we focused a lot on letting go and moving forward. and who knew? moving forward has basically been the recurrent theme of my life this year. even up til now. hoping i'll one day be able to claim all of God's promises for my life.

but for now, keep on keeping on... even if you feel tired sometimes, and the night seems too long. cos we never travel alone.

so dumb!

Q: why is it that i'm the one cleaning up the mess that OTHER people make?

A: because i can't stand it.

i can't even use my own bathroom without gagging.

this is why i hate it when people get drunk.

definitely flatting with girls only next year. and people i can trust.