the brat says:

why can't we always get what we want?

why do we have to wait to get what we want?

why is it that whatever i want i never get?

why is what i want usually not good for me?

why can't i get what i want????

never thought i would ever sound like a spoilt brat right?

hahaha.... think again.

now that i've got that out of my system.

i just feel so frustrated you know... yes, there's this thing that i really want but i don't think i'll get it. it's really exausting and defeating wanting something so badly. and yet, you know that's never gonna happen. i'm trying to live with it; everyday i'm reminding and reminding myself to forget about it, move on, concentrate on more important things... but, it's HARD.

now that i've also got them out of my system...

i did something that made me happy the other day. i faced my apprehension, let go of my fears... i, i, i.... can't tell la. it's personal. all i can say was it made me deliriously happy but then made me crash from cloud 9 the next day. and NO, i did not do drugs or hard liquor. please... give me a break!* sigh* not now, i can't talk about it now....

hola! and greetings fellow homo sapiens who happen to be receiving tons of radiation just looking at this. yeah, me too.. but what to do? great, i sound like a geek. it's a sunny hazy saturday afternoon which i'm spending staying at home *sigh* so, can you blame me?

nothing much happening these lazy days. had a bad stomach day on thurs which worsen at tuition... maybe i shoudn't have eaten that char koay teow (yumm) and 5 sour+'s before that. aikz... oh, but then, i got to skip school on fri ya know.

and today, well... nothing much happened other than my parents coming home at 12pm to find my sis still in bed which ended with my mom throwing a hissy fit. i think my sis has issues about getting up. man, i hate to say this but, she needs professional help. lolx... or maybe the "dummy's guide to waking up". hmm... good idea for christmas.

other than that, been lookin through some uni/college brochures... and i have to admit, i'm falling in like with the Uni of Queensland. so far, i like what see... it could be a possibility, but the only obstacle is well, $$$ . but i'm still lookin.

leaving school: closing an old chapter

it has officially begun... the countdown to 'the day that shall not be named but i'll name it anyway' SPM. currently, it's 39 days to "it" (some joker in my class wrote a 1 to the 39 on the blackboard thus making it seem as if we had another year to study for it. har-har.) .

and 10 more days till i finish sitting at my wonderfully strategic spot in class, crapping and talking in our "hotspot", getting into scrapes and jubilant successes together. i'll even miss our recesses; when any1 trying a new food would share it around the table.

my class seems to have gotten closer this year . i guess cos we all know that it will be our last. *sobsob*. it has been a great journey so far... and i've felt so loved and a part of this wonderful family i just find it so hard to let go. in our small community, we bicker, make peace, support one another, complain, murmur, grumble, laugh, play, talk dirty jokes (haha), read someone else's newspaper and forget to do our hw together as a class.

somehow, amidst all this, we've all really grown up. through the year (this yr) we've really matured a lot and everyone seems to be viewing life from a different perspective than that of last year. of course, getting our driving licenses did help a lot in the maturing process, heehee. but...*big sigh* guess we're all really getting quite old now.

the upside of leaving school is of cos.....

MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE SLEEP!!!!! ~i love my sleep~

no more 6.25 wake up call for me. yea babeh! i can so deal with that.

college!

no more slaving for 11 subjects anymore. no more add maths, bio, phys, chem for me. oh goody!

new lifestyle, new outlook, new place (maybe overseas, i hope... oh, pls,pls come true), new people, new hot guys (i hope) and well, most things new i guess. must be more positive right?

umm... what else.... actually, i can't think of any now. not in college yet anyhow. but i think i'm gonna like it. but yeah, can't wait. maybe it's a good thing i'm leaving school after all. i don't know, maybe.

haiya... but first it's back to the slaving house first and torture chamber for umm, yeah... approx 2 more months. *groan***** how can i survive?

HORROR!!!

did you know that eating raw sushi or sashimi will cause you to get nerve damage and migrains??? reason being: raw fish is the ULTIMATE breeding ground of worms! (ring worms, tape worms...you name it we've got it). and this horrifying, disgusting, nauseatingly true picture (at least i think it is) that has traumatised me for life i think shows a man's brain (scalp bein cut into half) with omgosh! horror!! like zillions of worms and their larvae in almost every part imaginable in his poor poor brain. it's giving me the shivers just writing it down. i would put in the pic but i'm jz too grossed out to actually even look at it again.

*shudder*

now every part of me is starting to itch. yikes!

let's do something about it

this is so not going to be a sad, melancholic entry anymore. i am NOT going to feel blue and i'm sure my dear readers don't want me to be. don't u ppl?? anyway....

let's see... what can i talk about which is not saddening? not spm, no, definately not that...

ok, music then. so today, we watched the concert video of united live (the latest) and man! they really show the world what music really is. no, wait, that's not right... i'm sure there're other musicians in this wide, wide world who can produce better music but well, when it comes down to raw, hot, all-consuming passion for worship, u've got to hand it to these ppl. a no holds barred praise to God. you know, it's like this AWESOME thing that u really wished that u could be there in their midst doing something, but u can't. and it's really frustrating for me. cos i'm a doer... i like to be doing things and taking charge and i'm just itching to immerse myself in all this.

and that's why IGNITE and CHEQ UP (in Dec- pls ask me for more details if interested) is so important to me, to all of us... man, we have to get our act right! with God, with ourselves, with our talents, with our instruments/tools/whatever else that we use to acheive this... hillsongs standard. which is possible i know. to quote steph, there are only 2 rules for the United live worship team, be GOOD and CRAZY. yeah! if they can do it y not us?

i don't know how many people harbour this dream... of someday playing/singing on stage just like them and it just feels so fulfilling, so right to just lay bare our passion and pent-up energy and just.... worship. i know i do... i do,i so do. and i for one am going to acheive that. it's been my dream for too long now. so, people who share this dream... together we can aight?

Lord, send revival start with us...

left behind. as always.

my life is like a thread. or many threads in fact. and somewhere along the way, my life has been interwoven with the threads of many others. together, we have created a cloth of many patterns and colours.... some threads remain firmly in this cloth called life and some, gradually faded away in time. when i look at this unfinished cloth, i just want to hold on to the old threads and weave the same patterns as like before. but threads snap and needles prick, and all i can do is weave more of my thread into it and leave it to my Maker.

man, what am i talking about? absolute nonsense.

why is everybody leaving? somehow, people in my life always seem to be leaving me. while they move on to uncharted, new, fresh, exciting territory, i'll still be stuck here. left behind. all the time, i wish it was me who was leaving, not being left. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder... well maybe, but it definately doesn't make u grow any closer. in fact, it draws you apart, gradually of course. but maybe because i was never one to keep contact. oh well. they also say that when a door closes, a new one opens. that's bulls***. i used to have a really, really extremely good friend, the best even... yeah, well, she moved away. i was stuck here and until now, haven't found anyone to replace her. ever.

so you see..."they" whoever they are, shouldn't be writing up sayings and stupid proverbs cos, they know NUTS about it.

don't

don't judge me

you don't know me

don't gossip about me

just because i'm different

don't look down at me

i'm bigger than you think

don't put me on a pedestal

i'm not that worthy

don't stab me in the back

i'm wounded enough already

don't put words in my mouth

i haven't spoken them yet

don't play with my feelings

i love deep and hard

don't advise me on something i can't solve

i can't do it, i'm not that strong

don't label me

i wasn't meant for tags

just don't.

cute arse!

my wonderful practical skills.

i came across my sis's kh project just recently. her 'baju'.

which kinda brings me back to the [torturing] days when i still had to take KH. from what i still can rmb, i hated it. i couldn't saw (straight) or hammer or carve to save my life. OR sew. omygosh! that was the absolute worst. but i still say i can sew better than i can do woodwork. well, my mum says i hav limited (read: close to none) motor skills so... i guess that's that.

but somehow, i still managed to pass up a passable piece of work every end of the year. miracle! maybe not.

F1

sewing- embroidery. got my wonderful mum to do it for me. *grin*

woodwork- after forgetting to bring my wood for class practically for half a year, i managed to nail, hammer, saw and sandpaper my way into a thing. something. passable la. not michaelangelo, but it didn't make my teacher faint. so, i take it that it wasn't so bad afterall.

F2

sewing- a shirt using fabric u might usually see as curtains in a really tasteless person's house. after lotsa nagging from my mum (yet again) to finish it, we sent it to my aunt (who conveniently, was a tailor) haha! to finish it for me.

woodwork- oh man! this was the best year ever! in terms of KH i mean. my dad's friend is a carpenter. so... guess who my woodwork project went to? and my project came back, polished, finished and looking as good as bought. altho, i did kind of spoil it in the beginning by cutting a door or so in the wrong size. couldn't close properly after that. it just ain't my cup of tea.

F3

unfortunately, that year being THE pmr year.... i couldn't bring any of my work home. so, what to do....? it's either DO or DIE. so, obviously... i don't die that easily, had to do it. sewing wasn't all that bad (ok, it was darn frustrating when the sewing machines broke down, which was often. man, and this is a girls' school) but woodwork.... yuck! hate it. did it, re-did it, stayed back after school to syelek, got scolded by the teacher (i have bad handiwork).... yeah, it's all coming back to me now.

but of course... that was all yesteryears business. good riddance too. am now enjoying a KH-free life filled with cramming for SPM. *sigh* it's the time of year again.

so blue

life's not that great nowadays

basically, i'm just studying and panicking,

studying and panicking

and haha, not going to school

i just dunno what to do now

you can't believe how sick i am of this endless studying

i've got so much to do, but so little time

so sickening

dad's got a new clock for the study

it's kinda chinapek-ish, but well... bought from china wut

man, is this clock noisy

chiming and saying something in chinese (which no one understands) every hour.

*sigh* every hour.

i'm feelin so restless.

i really dunno what to do.

i realise that it's the 2nd time i'm saying that

but i really dunno what to do.

what to do?

i feel so pessimistic, demoralised, tired and my head is all just jumbled up

what i want, i can't get

it's frustrating, it's hard and it's tough but i must!

i must give it up, i must forget it and move on.

reach out for better dreams.

better things ahead for me.