seeing

I close my eyes and I see stars,

deep stars giving way to deeper stars,

deeper stars bowing to deepest stars

at the crown of an infinite cone.

-Annie Dillard, "Seeing"

do we simply look, but not see? that maybe we're part of a bigger plan for our lives. that maybe, just maybe, it's ok if we don't get what we desire so much this time around, just to make way for the chips to fall into place. when i look at the stars... i feel small, i feel awed, and closer to that plan.

and that's why i really love those few lines.

i think i caught the fever

a year ago, i was complaining to my mum about how nz is so rugby obsessed

denise: ugh so not looking forward to the rugby world cup next year. i shall never understand rugby, why can't they like football instead?? it's just so violent!

a lot of touching in rugby

me this year... (after i discovered how amazing rugby really is and how hot some of the all blacks are.)

denise: aurghhhhh what?? you call that playing?! TRY TRY! Cmon ABs!! go Cory Jane you sexy beast!

hmm what can i say? rugby is actually very entertaining to watch, and easy to understand... plus, i'm in new zealand, and this year, we're hosting the RWC, so it's not difficult to get into the whole spirit of things.

and what's better, the All Blacks managed to make their way to the finals, so this sunday is going to be INTENSE. can't wait!

after beating the Wallabies.

that was an especially bloody match, a few people had to go off the pitch to clean up before continuing.

that fear

fear is a very strong feeling.

fear paralyses you, hinders you from looking beyond the problem, and you become like a horse wearing blinkers (you know, those eye patch thingies). i used to wake up every morning and have that numbing gripping fear in me. mostly, the fear of going back home. oh i love my family, and i do look forward to seeing them, and being with them... but at the same time, i was really scared. scared of being lonely like last year, afraid of getting hurt again, apprehensive of what will happen when i get back.

but then

i realised that this stupid fear is really stopping me from looking at the amazing people and things i have back home. and i have so much to look forward to. by focusing on my fear, i was really missing out on a lot of God's blessing in my life. i kept magnifying all my worries til i guess i lost sight of what was really important: that God is in control of my life. not myself, not my friends, and definitely not my fears. i just can't let it dictate my emotions, or actions anymore.

i just... am really tired of being afraid.

early this year, we focused a lot on letting go and moving forward. and who knew? moving forward has basically been the recurrent theme of my life this year. even up til now. hoping i'll one day be able to claim all of God's promises for my life.

but for now, keep on keeping on... even if you feel tired sometimes, and the night seems too long. cos we never travel alone.

so dumb!

Q: why is it that i'm the one cleaning up the mess that OTHER people make?

A: because i can't stand it.

i can't even use my own bathroom without gagging.

this is why i hate it when people get drunk.

definitely flatting with girls only next year. and people i can trust.

maybe i shouldn't be handling a camera

i started out meaning to capture the lighting from when the sun shines into my room.

i was! i promise i was.

but then i realised the power i had over the poor defenceless camera.

*evil laughter*

and then it was back to assignments :(

a title i can't think of

it's 1am and my stomach is all sorts of hungry. but i'm just too sleepy to drag my lazy arse to the kitchen. plus it's not good to eat late at night right? especially if you're trying to combat highly unwanted tummy flab.

eating is such a waste of time really.

and for me, such a big distraction. sometimes in class i mentally picture the things in our fridge and check off the stuff i need to use or can use for lunch/dinner/random meal :( either that or i'll be imaginary-shopping in the Countdown of my mind already. a product of growing up in malaysia... oh the hype about food! anyway this is NOT a food post, because i did that once before, and also the mere mention of food sends my tummy growling in protest against my being resolutely unkind to it.

to digress...

the more i get into my course, the more i realise how much i enjoy writing. of course, academic writing is nowhere as fun or carefree as say, writing in this blog. but even so, it's fulfilling to know you wrote something that got you an A. haha... yeah i know i know, very modest there denise. it took me a while to warm up to writing uni-level essays, and weirdly, i'm doing so much better at 300-level papers than i ever did in 100-level. maybe all it needed was some understanding and TLC to love me back.

i'd like to say that writing does to me what music or art do to some people, but music and art are a big part of my life as well. but there's this thing about writing... where you are able to organise your thoughts and immortalize them on paper/ the internet(??). i express myself much better through writing... those who know me know i'm not so articulate and that i tend to lapse into silence at times. yes i am shy and i tend to be awkward when i'm shy, so i'd rather not talk... but also, most of the time there are just so many thoughts swimming around in my head i can't seem to pick out the ones i'd like to say. so writing gives me time to catalogue them and make sense of them.

and why this whole long long unnecessary monologue about why i sometimes talk less, i don't know. sometimes i wonder why less extroverted people have to apologize for not being more demonstrative.

guess that explains why i'm always drawn to guys who are outgoing. haha.

time

time flies.

and with time, healing.

like the tide of the ocean, gradually carrying away all the sorrow and hurt.

i can't forget what happened, or how i felt about it..

nor can i bring back the motivation to continue a friendship.

but with time comes forgiveness. comes restoration.

and yeah, though i lost a few things, but i gained so much more than i could ever imagine:

wisdom, strength, dignity, and a reminder of God's unfailing love.

and it sucks to hear about other people facing the same things i did a year ago, a few months ago. i can imagine their pain, and the sadness, and i can't do a thing to help but listen. but one thing i do know, God heals all pain through time. even the ones that haunt you day and night, in your thoughts, in your dreams.

people should be more careful while handling other people's hearts. they break so so easily.

and people should also learn to guard their hearts from losers who don't care.

another snow day?

man it was so packed in the grocery store just now.

seems like everyone's stocking up and preparing to be snowed in for the next 3 days at least.

and i'm like:

a) noooooo i'm tired of the snow! i got sick 2 weeks back because i very cavalierly went out playing in the snow without any regard to my health and wellbeing. so, yeah no... snow just makes me paranoid i'll fall sick again.

i guess this time i'll be anti-social and stay in my warm flat and drink hot cocoa and curl up under my warm duvet. and enjoy the pretty snow from there :)

plus, the aftermath of snow is just... annoying. it's slippery everywhere and wet. walking anywhere is just such a pain cos you have to be very careful where you step. and you just can't help slipping no matter where you go.

but on the other hand...

b) if we are snowed in, then uni will be closed, and no classes means i get 3 whole days concentrate solely on my assignment. which is great since i work better when i'm uninterrupted.

dilemma dilemma...

haha but as if it were up to me. it will snow or not snow whether or not i want it to. so... the thing to do is be prepared for the worst. yes, we've stocked up on enough food to last us the whole week. perhaps it's time i invest in a pair of cheerfully colourful gumboots.

spending saturday night at home. lalala...

and feeling sleepy at 10pm.

like an old person :S